Edgy

Here is a sketch I wrote called Edgy

INT--Office, 1996

Tom, a 30 something producer, is sitting in his office talking on his phone.

Tom

Listen here! You've run over budget by.....No! No, I will not listen to you. I don't care what movie you're making, James, I've had enough. Oh, oh Right, yeah, I'm sure that a romance movie about a gigantic disaster will be a HUGE hit. Yeah, yeah, sure, I'm sure it'll make, who did you say it was? DiCaprio? What type of name is that? Not a movie star name, Americans want their films stars to have names that they can recognize, and pronounce. Seriously James, I've had enough. You take your "Blockbuster" about a ship hitting a big chunk of ice to another studio, it'll never make a cent. Goodbye James!

He hangs up and a knock comes at his door and Jo enters.

Jo

Mr. Harley?

Tom

Tom, please, and you are?

Jo

Um, I'm Jo Rowling, we spoke over the phone.....

Tom

Oh the woman with the books, please sit down.

She sits.

Tom(CONT)

Now we here at Good Taste Limited are very interested in publishing your manuscript.

Jo

Oh, thank you very much.

TOM

There are some changes we'd like to make though, very minor tweaks to help it sell more copies, you know.

Jo

Alright, I'm always open to suggestions to help improve my work.

TOM

Glad you feel that way, you have no idea how many authors come in here and spit in my face when I try to help them.

Jo

Really? That's terrible.

TOM

Yeah, that Neil Gaiman that all those Gothic kids enjoy? He and Terry Pratchett were very rude to me and they both stormed out. Well enough of that, let us discuss your novel.

Jo

Alright.

She gets out a notepad.

TOM

Now I like this school, what's it called?

Jo

Hogwarts.

TOM

Mmhm, but that's the problem the name, it just doesn't jump out to me.

Jo

Hogwarts doesn't jump out to you?

TOM

Nope, I came up with a much better one, that I think better fits the tone of the book. Listen to this, it'll blow your mind, okay....The Castle Of Love.

JO

The Castle of Love.

TOM

Mmhm, yeah, I was really proud of it.

Jo

Ummm....

TOM

Also, the setting...

JO

What's wrong with the setting?

TOM

It just won't connect with our intended audience. I think it would be much better if it was set in New York City.

JO

New York City?

TOM

Yes.

JO

But, all the characters are English.

TOM

Well, we had a wild idea on that front. How about, to further beat in Larry's....

Jo

It's Harry.

TOM

No, we think Larry is better, because very few families in the deep south would name their kid Harry.

Jo

Deep south?

TOM

Yeah we thought it would be genius to have Larry come from the Deep South and so when he meets up with Weed and Alexia....

Jo

Who?

TOM

Weed and Alexia...or Ron and Hermionie as you working titled them.

Jo

But, why...wha...Weed and Alexia?

TOM

Yes see we thought that it would be much edgier if The Castle of Love was a club in downtown New York which played Dance Punk. And Weed and Alexia better fit that setting.

Jo

Weed, what type of...who names their child Weed?

TOM

No see they call him Weed because he's a drug addict.

JO

Ron Weasley is a drug addict?

TOM

No, Weed Lighting is a drug addict.

Jo

Weed Lightning.

TOM

Mmhm, also I think it'd sell many more copies if you had Alexia and Larry have a passionate love affair.

JO

You want Harry and Hermionie to have a passionate love affair!?!

TOM

Larry and Alexia, yes.

Jo

But they're 11! But I suppose you changed that.

TOM

No, they're still 11.

Jo

But, but.....Eleven year olds don't have passionate love affairs! And they don't go to Dance Punk Clubs! And they aren't bloody drug addicts! Good day Mr. Harley.

She storms out.

TOM

They always storm out, authors, so temperamental. Well, this piece of trip will never be published.

He tosses the book in the trash can and picks up the phone

FINISH